Revenge of the lawn mower

Friday, 8 July 2022

A few weeks ago I spent a few days in Melbourne for work. The work part of my trip was fine - in fact it was quite fun as we had mid-season drinks and celebrations on the Friday night. The rest of my trip wasn’t quite so great though..

I flew early on Thursday then had an intense day in the studio. So when I arrived to check into my 'boutique residential hotel' at about 7pm I was already pretty tired and looking forward to a relaxing evening.  The first thing I noticed about the place was that the 'reception open until 8pm' was not open at all. In fact the entire time I was there the reception was never open.  It wasn't a big deal though, I just had to ring someone to be talked through the process of entering a pin and releasing a little fob key - it was like using a vending machine.

So I let myself in and found my room after passing through a particularly heavy firedoor which shut itself with a loud clunk behind me. Pushing my own door open my heart sunk.

The last few trips I have been lucky enough to stay in a nice apartment with city views, a decent kitchen and a couch, so this place was a big let down.  It was a small room with a tiny bathroom that could only just fit the toilet and shower.  

It was clean enough, and I didn't yet know about the problem with the fire door, so I ordered some uber eats and waited on the bed for it to arrive.  When it was delivered I discovered that the only cutlery that could be found in my room was a tiny plastic spoon, so I ventured out to the rest of the hotel and found the shared kitchenette.  Aside from one bent spoon lying in the bottom of the cupboard marked 'cutlery' it had absolutely nothing. No plates, glasses, nothing.  Oddly it did have a dishwasher but I can’t imagine what dishes it washed.

Disappointed I settled back on the bed (there was no chair, only a tiny provincial style foot stool pushed under the tiny provincial style desk) to eat my noodles with my plastic teaspoon.  Luxury.

Afterwards I realised the room didn't seem to have a fridge, which was going to make it hard to store the leftovers and the iced coffee milk I’d bought for breakfast.  I was starting to get pretty annoyed by this stage, so I distracted myself by tidying up and getting prepared for the next day. I decided to iron my shirt, so I opened the wardrobe to find the ironing board which is when I found the fridge! yay!

 I was able to stash my leftovers and my iced coffee and yoghurt for the morning.  Unfortunately the ironing board housed with the fridge was a mini one that you have to put on the bed (or a table if you are rich enough to have one ).  I unfolded it and attempted to iron my shirt, only succeeding in ironing into it the criss-cross marks of the metal from the ironing board, as it seemed to be devoid of padding. I was starting to get pretty pissed off by now.

 But not as pissed off as I was 10 minutes later when, with my badly ironed shirt ready to hang, I realised there was no hanging rail, or even clothes hangers in the fridge-drobe.  

That was it.  I hung the shirt on the TV, pulled out my computer and composed an 'I'm very disappointed with this room blah blah blah…’ email to the reception email address.    I mentioned the lack of cutlery and glasses, terrible ironing board and non existent clothes hangers.  It was polite but I didn't mince words, and I finished it with 'I've got another night booked and I'm not looking forward to it'.   My finger hovered over the send key for a while as I deliberated about sending it after my stay, but thinking that I might be able to get a room upgrade to one with a full-sized spoon, I sent it. Then I went to bed.

 The next morning I headed out early-ish for a run around Albert Park Lake. It was a drizzly grey day but quite nice for running.

About 10 minutes in I stopped to check my phone which is when I discovered that I didn't seem to have my fob key anymore.  I patted down all my pockets but it had simply disappeared - so strange as I thought I had been super careful about taking it with me. I ran the rest of the loop with a heavy heart, knowing I would have to contact reception again. The same reception I sent that email to last night.  Oh god.  

Arriving back outside the hotel I checked my email on my phone and sadly confirmed that they had in fact read and responded to my complaint, justifying the lack of hanging rails by the inclusion of the fridge.  It was odd this fridge/hanging rail thing seemed to be an either/or situation.  Anyway I took a breath and rang reception to explain my predicament.  They weren't too frosty but did take the time to explain (again) that I was lucky to have a fridge and that's why I couldn't have a hanging rail, before giving me instructions for accessing the spare room key. I retrieved it, let myself in, showered, put on my badly ironed shirt and went to work.

Luckily I had a function that night so I didn’t have to spend too much time back in the room before going to bed - although I was woken regularly through the night as other people slammed their way through that bloody fire door.  

On my final morning in Melbourne got up early to retrace my run from the day before. Incredibly about 5 minutes in I spied my original door key lying on the grass to the side of the path - a miracle!  The only bummer was that it appeared a lawn mower had found it first - it was pretty destroyed. 

But it was with some satisfaction that I deposited the mangled key together with the replacement key back in the key return box as I left later that morning (I did email them to explain what happened just in case they thought I did it in an act of vengence).  I was relieved to be leaving and looking forward to going home.  I spent the morning at the South Melbourne Markets &  Botanical gardens and the afternoon at the Essendon DFO. 

It was only when I sat down in the departure gate at the airport that I realised the crappy hotel would have the last laugh - I had left my ereader under the pillow of the bed.  Aaargh! Needless to say my efforts to contact them have been met with silence.